xloveleen

Hmmm. I'd put my fully highlighted Bible in first because in fifty year, i want to remember how important God was in my life and just hope that my relationship with Him is either better, or if its not, have that inspire me to fix that.

I'd put a swatch of my little mermaid pillow inside along with some of cubby's fur. just because theyre such a part of me its redic.

I'd put a copy of Phantom of the Opera in there. Because honestly, its my life.
 

so i really thing i need to use this thing more often.
i have so much to say
and no balls to say it
and not because i'm afraid of what people will think of me
but because ive never been ok with hurting people, 
even when they need it.
and trust me, people do need it sometimes.

moreover, since i cant be a name dropper, ive given everyone an alias. 
points if you can figure yourself out =]
unless of course i dont really care if i say your name. 
then youre probably very awesome

so first off, PLEASE STOP CONFUSING ME
like boys and me have always been just dandy
i love boys. i mean damn. theyre sexy. 
and i have an aversion to vagina so penis is my only option.

((vaginas are frightening.))

anyways. 
and i'm perfectly aware of my body. 
im not sexy, but im not entirely repulsive.
and im perfectly aware of my sexuality.
im a virgin because i want love before i give one of the only things i really have to give.
but i cannot wait for sex. there are so many things i cant wait to try.
but i'm willing to wait for all that!
aaron has been waiting for me for oh idk ever?
and lets be serious. hes tempted me like nothing else.
but then there is the odd guy who makes me wish i was a bit of a ho
and then i remember that im NOT so its hopeless.
i mean id love to have sex with you, but sorry. tell me you love me, then maybe ;]
SO STOP TEMPTING ME!
thank you very much.



tell me that i matter
dont let my world shatter
let me matter
tell me you need me
that you wont leave me
please, lie to me

 youre not worth it.

Ok
So this is to all of you who for some reason find putting me down to be just fine 


Prom

I DON’T need a date to prom. I can't go with my first choices for reasons that are really no one's business, but I'm ok with that. So everyone who is finding it necessary to set me up with anyone and their mother can calm down. I'm not dating anyone so really a date isn’t terribly important. Yes, I wouldn’t mind having one, but I'm certainly not going to die without one, as you all seem to think.

And for the person who thinks its ok to tell people we're going together, we're not. End of that story.

And if people who normally don’t give a damn could stop telling me that I should go with this person or that person simply because its what they want, I'd love it. There is more to a person than what they choose to show you. Just because a person seems so nice and cute and fun doesn’t mean anything. And if I don’t like a person, nothing short of the voice of God is going to make me spend what's supposed to be one of the highlights of my life stuck in their company. 


Social climbers

News flash. High school is OVER

Unless you have some secret connections with several celebrities or the president, who you hang out with is NOT going to make you any better than you are without them. Just because you call a certain person a friend doesn’t mean anything. We're all going to college now, and many of us have to start anew. So for all of your desperation to be popular, its going to mean nothing in a few months. And all of the people you're stepping on dont forget. So why don’t you quit while youre ahead? It'd be for your benefit. 


Drugs

If your life is really that effed up that drugs are the only way you can be entertained, then you know what? more power to you. 

Yes. I've smoke. Yes I've drank. However, you will not find me putting my life in jeopardy for an hour or so of drunken fun. Drunk driving is not for me, ever. You will never see me doing any type of drug that can kill me. And lets be serious. Weed is not that great. If I wanted to be numb to the world, I'd take a nap.

And instead of spending your money on drugs, maybe you should use it on the things you all complain about not having. I mean why is it that no one has money for gas, but everyone has money for weed and alcohol? Interesting. 


College.

First off, fuck you all.

Yes, I just swore.

Yes, I am going where its cold. Yes, I'm leaving Connecticut. Yes I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to real life. No, you probably haven’t heard of my college.

But almost every single one of you is staying here, close to mom and dad and your friends, and for what? Youre going to go to the same school as your friends do, youre going to see all the same people you've been seeing for four damn years. You're going to see your parents more often than you think. So tell me. Are you really growing up? I don’t think so.

Yes, its cold where I'm going. i'm not, however, as pampered and sensitive as you all love to think me. I've had to adapt to many things, and the cold is going to have to be one of them. I'm not going to freeze to death during my first snow storm, and I'm not going to fall apart because I can't wear tiny shorts and tank tops. I'll manage the same way we all do. We live in new England, not florida. We ALL deal with snow.

And honestly, why the hell would I stay in Connecticut? I have done absolutely nothing in my life that I really have to be proud of. Many of you like to remind me of that daily. So why stay? Why be here with the same people I've been with all my life, under my parents' wings, living the same life I have been living, just in a different room, when I can go somewhere else and start fresh? You all complain about how you hate it here and you want to get out, yet youre all going to southern and housatonic and western. I'm glad you feel accomplished, but I wouldn’t if I were to stay here.

And I am NOT made of glass. I can't cook, but I don’t eat much food now, do I? ps. Colleges have cafeterias. I wont starve, sorry for the lack of entertainment. And no, I can't do laundry, but I can learn. And I will obviously have to. And no, I've never worked. Yes I'm going to have to get a job. Ok? So? Didn’t you? And no I don’t have my license yet. Hopefully I'll get it soon, but regardless, if I'm not worried, you don’t need to be. So get over it, ok? And keep making bets on how long before I come home. Youre just driving me to prove you wrong. I'll suffer for four damn years if I have to, if only so that you don’t get any satisfaction. And at least I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to find my own happiness and I don’t need you to find it. I don’t need your approval to find it. And I certainly don’t need your opinion to find it. I need God, and I need my own heart and drive. That’s it.

And no, you probably haven’t heard of my college. But ask yourself. What colleges have you heard of? They're either ivy league and known all over the country, or theyre ones that are near by, or they're ones that you have friends or family who attend or attended. That doesn’t mean where I'm going is a horrible, no where college because I can guarantee you that the people in the college I'm going to have NOT heard of Southern or Housatonic. So if youre trying to prove something by saying you haven’t heard of my college, then keep trying. The only thing youre proving to me is your small mindedness. 


Sex

Ok. 

We all know I'm a perv. I make no apologies. 

But whether or not you believe it, I'm waiting for marriage, and only marriage because hopefully I'll marry the man I love. If I truly love someone and they love me, then that’s different even if we aren’t married. I don’t know when my life is going to end and you've all heard me say I don’t want to die a virgin and I'm being completely serious.

But honestly, how many hookups you’ve had does not make you special. If you can't control yourself, then I feel so sorry for you when you find that person who makes you want to control yourself. Have fun convincing them you’ve changed. Actions speak louder than words and all of you people sleeping around and hooking up with whoever stares at you too long are going to suffer for it eventually. And you know what? I have no sympathy for you whatsoever.

And please. Stop telling me about how many guys checked you out today. That does not at all alter the course of my life or anyone else's and it doesn’t matter one iota to me. So you got checked out. Congratulations. I'll be sure to give you a medal. 


Books

If I have to hear one more person criticizing the fact that I read romance novels, I'm going to scream.

Dealing with you all has made me need a happy ending every so often and if I can only get them in books, then so be it. I'm perfectly aware that life is not all happy and dandy so whats wrong with me reading a book where it is?

And just because romance is what I carry around with me doesn’t mean its all I read. While you all sit there either watching TV or watching facebook, I'm reading books and articles and watching tv shows on theology, history, science, and art. If I don’t act like a cultured genius around you, its not because I can't, its because I choose not to. Because how many of you honestly care what I have to say on the book of Job, or how many of you want to debate about the war of 1812, or how many of you give a damn about whats going on in the universe? Next to none of you. And no, I'm not a genius. And I'm not vain enough to call myself intelligent. But I know in my heart and mind that I have priorities different than yours, and in the long run, I'm sure they'll pay off, more than online boyfriends and facebook stalking, anyway. 


So I'm done. No ones probably going to read this, but I'm glad I got it out there. Here I am laying awake at 2am and I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of having to just sit and take all that you guys deign to throw at me. And if I'm too weary of hurting people to say it to their face, I can at least get it out in the way that I know best, which is writing.